The First Time She Cried

Today, I am writing about the first time I made my sub cry, how I got her to do so, and what it felt like. The scene was one that I had thought long and hard on how to be unpredictable. My goal was to not only hurt her, but also make her feel my behavior couldn't be trusted. I apparently fulfilled my goal, because later on she explained she was honestly scared. I was sure to switch out avenues of pain often, because I didn't want her to get too bored. For a short time it was fingering with too many fingers or paddling or whipping. I was also sure to leave the room for short periods of time. I talked to her along the way to reassure her I wasn't leaving to go get an ice cream or anything rash.


After a good amount of abuse I could tell her limits were being pushed, in a good way. I had her against the wall, naked, and each time I would whip her, her back would arch. I got tired of it and decide the next time that happened I would slap her repeatedly. Well, both of these things happened. I was after the slapping that she started to cry. I thought there would just be a tear or two, because she's usually stubborn. However, I turned her around shortly thereafter and saw her cheeks wet. I knew then that I was turned on, happy, and fully sadistic. Although, I would never, never endanger her safety, the scene was made sexy by her crying. I don't know how to explain this, other than to give an account of it.


It was after this, I knew I had to start winding her down and ready for aftercare. I was progressively less mean and nasty. In my heart, I knew I had completed my goal. Making your sub cry could give you a rush, turn you on, make you feel truly sadistic for not caring, and set you up for topdrop as well. That's my take, what's yours?

Training Your Sub--A Dominant's Perspective

Training Your Sub (A Dominant's Perspective)

I would like to begin this post by stating it is meant to act as a general guide on how effectively train your sub. I'm speaking from experience not only from sex, but also in real-life situations. Through my work experience I have been extensively trained and involved in the training of many people. My goal is to give you a foundation and from there you should customize your experiences to your liking.





Let's consider why you are thinking about training your sub in the first place. You obviously like to be in charge or in control of things, hence you are the Dom. You are likely not training the sub to get off on issuing commands alone. No, you probably relish the fact someone is not only intimate with you, but also trusts you completely. It is with this in mind we want to train our subs.






Our goal in training is to present our subs with a stimulus and have them react in the way we prefer. Pavlov's dogs heard a tone and then were given food. Eventually the dogs would react with an increased saliva production when hearing the tone, even if food wasn't provided. All training is essentially the same. I'm not meaning that your sub is just like a dog, but we want the sub to react consistently to us. When I issue a command or suggestion I want it done.






Let's use a concrete example. If I say, "Spread your legs," I want it to happen. The command is the stimulus I give the sub. Now, provided you said this in a firm manner and your sub is a natural, they will do what you want. Suppose you weren't firm enough or the sub is having a bad day and decides not to follow your command. Now, we have to reinforce our command with a consequence. If the consequence is negative/positive enough the slave will do a cost-benefit analysis quickly and decide they want to do what you tell them in the future. Pavlov would call this a conditioned response. After enough times the sub will do what you tell them without thinking.



An example from my life was getting my sub to say "please" and "thank you" when she wanted something. When she wanted me to bite her neck I asked her, "What do you say?" When the answer didn't come quickly, I slapped her (she likes this). She then said, "Please." The stimulus was my question and the negative punishment was the slap. She was and is a very fast learner. It took her a total of two times before she started saying please and thank you after every request.






Slapping is only one of four different avenues for enforcing discipline. You can give something nice to your sub. This could be a compliment or reward in concrete form. You can take something positive away from the sub. Say they don't do something fast or enthusiastically enough. Okay, take something away from them. I've mentioned how I presented a negative in the form of slapping. You can also reward by taking a negative away, such as removing a torture device. For a good article on this click here.






Now that we understand how the mind works. You have to decide what you are going to do with this information. You can train someone to do your bidding 24/7 and live this lifestyle all the time (this is technically a Master/slave relationship). You could also train your sub to do things a certain way like, how you want them to posture during sex. You also have to decide how this dynamic will survive if you are in a switch relationship where you decide you want to share the power.






The goal is about learning to trust someone completely enough to let go and give them control. I've heard that this is a liberating feeling for those in the sub role. Even though there is pain (emotional or physical) involved, it is a good feeling--like being high. I know that there is a rush of excitement when my sub does what I tell her or something she knows I like. It is important to remember the more you train, the more it becomes second nature.






The three most important parts of training are getting to know your sub, communication, and repetition. When you get to know your sub well you will know which type of reinforcement you should use, whether it be negative or positive. You will know what their limitations are and how far they will go to please you. It is also important to communicate effectively at all times. You need a safeword in case they decide they can't handle that type of training or punishment. Your sub needs to know what is expected of them and what type of punishments to expect when they don't follow through. Finally, the more training exercises you have the more comfortable your sub will become in following you. You will develop your own routine and hopefully feel intimately connected with your sub. I wish you well and happy training.

Avenues of Pain

As the Dom it is my responsibility to come up with new ways to inflict pain to cause pleasure. This can be a difficult task, but I promise through communication and practice a good solution will be found. The Dom/sub relationship is one I believe to be unique for every couple. One couple may be into something more corporal and the other may enjoy something more emotional. My goal today is to give food for thought and encouragement. Try something new!

Emotional

This is the type of pain I feel many neglect, but is very rewarding. I know this is my sub's favorite. Emotional pain not only turns the sub on, but also they know they're 100% safe. Refer our lessons in dirty talk to better understand how this is implemented. When I cause emotional pain through what I say I am turned on, too. It makes me feel powerful and creative. If your partner is into this, the feedback you receive will blow your mind!

Striking

This is a very common form of pain and even the most reserved couples will enjoy a good spanking during sex. I can attest that this is my favorite. I feel physically dominant because of the posture during sex. I also feel physically powerful after giving my sub a good slap. The look she gives me after is amazing! I feel an adrenaline rush, excitment, and turned on all at the same time. I stick with open-handed strikes. I like the popping sound and it doesn't hurt or bruise. Slapping doesn't have to be only for the face. Try slapping your sub's thighs, feet, and chest (be careful of the breasts if your sub is female). Some will enjoy a closed-fisted punch. Go for it, but be careful. A friend of mine told me the most turned on he ever was was when his partner gave him a right cross during sex. To each their own!

Cutting

Cutting is another way to cause pain to your sub. I have never done this, but I know this play is out there. Sterile surgical tools can be used to cut your sub, or needles for needle play. Pain is caused and your sub is marked at the same time. It kills two birds with one stone. It is very, very dangerous due to the risk of extreme blood loss and infection. If you choose this avenue be careful. Have a charged cell phone with service to call 9-1-1 and bandages handy. Uses your safewords/safeactions at the first sign of trouble!

Burning

This method can be achieved in two different methods; permanent and non-permanent. The permanent form would be those interested in branding their sub. This is another way to mark the sub as your own. Much like cutting, be sure your tools are sterile! The risk here is infection. It only takes a nasty one to be fatal. The non-permanent version is using hot wax or wet a towel and put it in the microwave. There are many options here. The point is to have fun and stay safe.

Electro Play

This involves shocking your sub into delight. Remember that anytime you play with electricity can be very dangerous. It can cause burns, sears, and cardiac arrest. Many people enjoy this play in spite of the risks. Some of the more popular tools are the violet wand, cattle prods, and stun guns. I can understand why the subs like this so much. I have been shocked before either by an electric fence or outlets. I know being shocked hurts and renders the victim helpless. If one was turned on my a violent loss of control this would be the way.

There is a quick overview of the types of pain that may be inflicted on your sub. Remember to talk to your partner before trying something new. Make sure they are willing and you do your homework to understand the risks. The rewards may be beyond what you expect!

Breath Control

12/07/2008Breath Control
I begin this blog with a warning, I'm writing about a breath control fetish as a way to study it. I'm not advising you go try it. Breath control (choking, sexual asphyxiation, etc.) is considered "edge play," meaning it is highly dangerous and many in the BDSM community believe you should never try it. The reason this fetish struck my interest is because it is so unsafe and yet so common. If you listen to anything like Loveline or pay attention to the news, people regularly die or force their partners into unconsciousness from this play.

This will be a short study of the breath control fetish, how it is implemented, and my perspective. I have also taken into consideration all types of play, from barehanded choking to gags.

The earliest documented history of this fetish is in the 1600s, when doctors prescribed it as a way to combat erectile dysfunction. The doctors noticed that bodies showed an erection after being hanged, and came to the natural conclusion that lack of air = sexual arousal.

Now this practice is commonly used for a control for the Dominant to use. I was reading opinions on this subject and one sub wrote it was the ultimate turn on, because her Dom had her life in his hands. This is very true! The sub also experiences a "high" from the lack of oxygen and the unusually large amounts of endorphins running through the blood stream. This method works as a turn on for both parties. The Dom's high is a of mental power rush and the sub experiences corporal pleasures.

I believe the safest way to do this is by using your hand only. There is no way for your hand to become stuck and unable to be removed. However, many people involved in "edge play" will uses all types of instruments to control breathing. Often times it could be as simple as a plastic bag or as intricate as a full latex suit with a restrictive apparatus attached. In either course of action I personally recommend you do not try this. If you decide the risks are worth the pleasure keep a working phone near, keep tools handy, and go get some training in CPR. The most important thing for the Dom to remember is to know your partner. We frequently state how communication and knowing your partner are the keys to staying safe. This case is no different! The sub may be unable to say a safeword and you should have a safe action if you are going to be unable to speak.

This is not only a couple's practice, but one that is frequently done during masturbation. The lead singer of the band INXS died performing autoerotic asphyxiation. It is normally practiced alone making it the most dangerous form of breath play. If the solo participant gets stuck or unable to open their airway, they will panic and quickly pass out. Death by strangulation is very quick! I don't believe in this case the risk ever justifies the rewards.

I believe breath play is a very sexy thing, but it is dangerous at the same time. I don't recommend you to try it. On the other hand, I enjoy breath play to an extent. I enjoy the rush of power and control I feel. I never, ever restrict the breathing of my sub to the point of unconsciousness. This is why I think it's important to know your partner. You might think my beliefs hippocritical, but ask a smoker if they recommend you start smoking.

Always, always stay safe, know your partner, and be a good Dom, take care of your sub.